


372

by blametheone



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-03
Updated: 2014-12-03
Packaged: 2018-02-28 04:53:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2719427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blametheone/pseuds/blametheone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan spills everything. Literally everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> lol hi. This isn't my first ever story but it's my first PHANfiction and my first story here on AO3!!!! This is already up on Wattpad but Wattpad sucks so......

"Hello everyone and thank you for tuning in to Radio 1. It is now 10:03, January 13th and uh... Sad news in the studio of BBC Radio 1 today, as radio co-host, Phil Lester, has unfortunately passed away," the news presenter reported, right in the time space of Dan and Phil's usual radio timeslot. "He was shot last week, while on holiday in L.A, not targeted, just in a very unfortunate crossfire. All of our thoughts and prayers are with his friends and family at this time of grief. Dan has resigned from the show, and we will be back next week with news of what will be happening next for the show. In the meantime, we have Dan here just to say a few words."

"I..." Dan's voice cracked, tears evident in his voice. "I'm really, really sorry everyone. St-stay st-rong."

There was no more words from Dan, just a distant opening and closing of a door, barely picked up by the mic.

"Tune in next week for an update on the Internet Takeover, for now this is..."

Her voice blurred out by the sobs and cries worldwide, as thousands upon thousands of fans mourned over their idol.

And truly, in this time, most could only think of Dan.

Dan, who was not heard from again.

The day is February 14th, and any particular danisnotonfire or AmazingPhil (or both) subscriber is shocked to see that there is a new video up, the same one on BOTH channels.

Dan hasn't posted a video, or done a radio show, or tweeted or gone on Tumblr or ANYTHING, since Phil's death. Valentines Day of all days, no one expected a video from Dan.

Especially not one titled, 'Happy Valentines Day, Phil'.

The camera clicked on and Dan leaned away from the camera, sitting down on his chair. Everything seemed like normal, same chair, same camera, same guy, same room.

Except it wasn't the same.

Because the room looked like a hurricane had ripped through it — furniture thrown everywhere, sheets shredded and debts punched through the drywall — and the man shooting the video was not the same danisnotonfire everyone had come to know and love.

This man is a broken man. His eyes are red and puffy and there are blotches on his cheeks, neither the tears nor their stains evident, but their ripple effect wreckage was. Dan had dark circles under his eyes, like bruises, from lack of sleep. He's thin, too thin, and his hair isn't straightened, at all.

"I'm not editing this video," is the first thing he says, voice cracking with the strain of the lump in his throat. "Because if I do, I'll back out and delete it, I know I will."

And with that, Dan Howell tells the world EVERYTHING.

Tells the world about his own closeted sexuality, and Phil's. Tell's everyone that the Phan-Fans were right, that they were together. Tell's them that the Valentines Day video was not a joke, that it was heartfelt.

Dan chuckled bitterly. "Hence me uploading this on Valentines Day."

Dan continued. He confirmed the Uma Thurman tweet, and confessed he went through the 'phan' tag on Tumblr a little too often for what could be considered 'no homo howell'. Dan admitted that he forgot about hiding their relationship when he joined the PhanBabyNames hashtag.

"I got so caught up in it, when Phil asked me what the hell I was doing I told him and he looked at me, like I was the biggest ducking dumbarse on the planet, and said 'please tell me you're joking'," Dan took a moment to blink back the tears in his eyes. "He said, 'are you seriously thinking of names for a baby with your boyfriend?' as if he was asking if we were ready for that. And we both sort of looked at each other like, 'well, I don't want kids... but I think I want to be with you for the rest of my life...'"

Dan suddenly stood up like he had forgotten something and fished around in a drawer for what he then produced to the camera as a ring.

"And about a month later, he threw a poke ball at my head during a movie and huddled back into the covers all shy, and I opened it up expected the Tumblr 'I choose you' but it was the Player One, Player Two thing!!" Dan grinned, caught up in his memory. "And I squealed and jumped on him — in a totally manly fashion — and then I hit his arm because in my FUCKING POCKET was the ring that I, ME, DAN, was going to propose with a little later that night," Dan had fallen back into his old self for the segment, grinning at the camera cheekily. "And then we had great celebratory sex, but you probably didn't want to hear that. Or maybe you did... sickos...."

Dan's chuckled, then went silent again and his smile fell.

"And we got married. In 2013, we researched and flew to the closest place it was legal. It was simple, with some friends and family... December 31st, that's our anniversary."

A sob shudders through Dan as he desperately tried to keep his cries in by clamping his lips together.

"We had 372 days together as a married couple. WE ONLY HAD ONE FUCKING YEAR!!" Dan roared, standing and knocking his chair over, falling into a sitting position on the end of his bed.

"And I want him back!" he sobbed. "I need him back!! WHY THE FUCK DID PHIL HAVE TO DIE, HE WAS THE SWEETEST, KINDEST PERSON EVER!! HE HAD EVERY RIGHT TO LIVE UNTIL HE WAS EIGHTY-FOUR!!"

Dan was wrecked with shattering sobs by this point.

"I'M the one who fucks everything up! I'm the selfish pig! I'm the drop out! WHY WAS IT PHIL?! WE WERE STANDING WITH EACH OTHER, WHY WAS IT HIM?!?"

Dan cried for a whole two more minutes, trying to pull himself together.

"I always wanted to die, as a child. As a teenager, and even after I met him."

He didn't even have to say the name, everyone knew Dan was talking about Phil (who else would he be talking about, Tyler??)

"I don't want to be left alone! He's my rock, my strength... I can't do this without him..."

It was silent, so silent, for quite some time. Dan's face was in his hands and his shoulder blades shook dramatically.

"You know why he was shot...?"

Everyone watching was crying, muffling their sobs to try and hear him.

"Because we were being obvious. Because we had one day left of our anniversary holiday. Because we weren't worried about ANYONE seeing us! BECAUSE I HELD HIS HAND AND WE'RE BOTH MEN, THATS WHY SOME IGNORANT CUNT SHOT MY HUSBAND!!"

Dan was screaming. He was scary.

"IM GAY TOO, HAVENT YOU NOTICED? WHY THE FUCK DIDNT HE SHOOT ME AS WELL?!?"

Dan sat upright on the edge of his bed, forearms resting on his knees.

"I still love Phil. He doesn't have to be here for me to love him," he sighed. "And I want to follow him, love him forever."

Everyone watching gasped, phones in hands tweeting Dan love, he couldn't leave.

"But I know I can't..."

Dan wiped a tear from his eye. "I have to be here for you guys. If Phil can't be here then I need to be, no matter what I want to do."

Dan said nothing more, just sat for a bit, then leaned forward and clicked the camera off, not looking at the lens once since he finished talking.


	2. Chapter 2

Dan's eyes went wide and mouth dropped open as he read the last few words.

"That's the most depressing shit I've ever read- PHIL!!" 

"What?" Phil called back, his voice carrying through the apartment.

"Don't die a week after New Years, please?"

"Why would I die a week after New Years?" Phil asked, opening the door and walking in. He saw Dan with the camera poised, turned on, and the laptop in his hands. Phil's face fell.

"Are you reading phanfictions again?"

"The people asked for it!" Dan defended, pointing a finger to the sky.

Phil rolled his eyes and walked out of the room. "I don't know why I married you!!"  
Dan scowled at the camera. 

"I don't know if I'm more sick of that joke or the amounts of times I've had to edit it out."


End file.
